PROACTIVE
STEPS FOR THE HOLIDAY BLUES
Barbara
Berthiaume, MSW
Just
thinking about the holidays can invoke memories of the smell of turkey
roasting in the oven, snowflakes falling on the ground, a warm
crackling fireplace, and the lively chatter of loved ones gathered
together once again. If we really let ourselves go and get into this
frame of mind, it is easy to develop an acute case of homesickness for
things that we have left behind. Many of us tend to be more susceptible
to this malady during the holidays.
Someone once said that nostalgia isn't what it used to be and I find
that it certainly applies to those of us living far away from home.
Some things we miss during the holidays are very real while others
could be more what we wished could have been. A few years ago, while
living in the tropics, I was bitten with the holiday blues bug and
lamented the fact that there was no snow where we were living during
the holidays. It occurred to me later that there is usually no snow
back home at this time of year either. My fantasy was of White
Christmas, Tiny Tim, and sleigh bells jingling in the snow. Our first
Christmas in England, my children expected to see snow on Christmas
morning and expressed their disappointment that the sun was shining. I
had to remind them that there was no snow in Singapore where we had
lived for the past 6 years. Failed expectations for the holidays had
created this fantasy and was further nurtured by Christmas cards
depicting snow, Frosty the Snowman types of tunes, and watching A
Christmas Carol on television or video. Many of our cultural cues tell
us that there should be snow at Christmas, happy loving families,
camaraderie, warmth, joy to the world, and so on. Many can remember the
feeling of the first Christmas when we realized that there was no
Santa. When the holidays do not measure up to what we had hoped for, it
can leave us with a vague feeling of something being missed.
Childhood memories of holidays can produce feelings of loss regardless
of where we happen to be living. This has to do with our feeling and
expectations of what we would like the holidays to represent and needs
to be examined in this light. We may find that in doing so, some
house-cleaning is in order to get a more realistic and aligned
perspective.
In living overseas, holiday memories can become even more blurred as we
do not have a sister, mother, brother, or other family member to nudge
us back to earth (as only a sister, mother, or other family member can
do). We may temporarily forget that while some past holidays may have
been filled with chestnuts roasting on an open fire, there may also
have been others when we felt the pressure from extended family members
of where to spend them and with whom, the reopening of old family
wounds, the mad rush to do too many things in too short a time, and if
nothing else, be bombarded with a constant stream of holiday music from
the day after Thanksgiving. We may have to work to remember the other
side of the holidays but it is an important first step in combating the
holiday blues syndrome.
For those who have just recently arrived, the holidays can catch you
off guard as you may feel that you just got here. Many families report
that the first Christmas was difficult because it was their first time
away from the familiarity and support of family and friends. With this
in mind, it is important to develop a positive plan for the holidays in
order to avoid the brunt of the holiday blues.
Take some time to think about how past holidays were spent, your
feeling about them, what family traditions have you kept and what new
ones you have developed with your own family. Give some thought about
what is important to you and your family during the holidays and what
values you hold. It is necessary to clarify these images in your mind
and give yourself a reality check before you begin to make proactive
plans for the holidays here.
You might ask yourself what will be different here as well as what will
remain constant. If you know what your goals are for the holidays, you
can make substitutions for what you feel you are missing. Some families
would enjoy the opportunity to share Christmas as a small family unit,
some may want to experience Santa in the sun, and others may feel the
need to share Christmas with a group of people. If you are in the
latter category, it is important to recognize this and actively seek
social arrangements. Remember that may families are in the same
circumstances in being new and would welcome the chance to connect with
others at this time.
Thanksgiving presents a special challenge as it is just another day
here. You may find yourself breaking new ground by celebrating on a day
other than Thursday or perhaps introducing this very American holiday
to those not familiar with this holiday. St. Paul’s in London
has a wonderful Thanksgiving service and is a memorable event.
Whatever your circumstances, the need for continuity as well as
adapting to new experiences can blend together to forge special holiday
traditions that you can take back home as part of your life abroad.
Barbara Berthiaume
e-mail: berthiaume@compuserve.com